The wedding industry takes a regular beating for being over the top. But there are also good aspects to it.
As a designer of high-end wedding dresses, Justina McCraffrey (full disclosure – a friend of mine) sees a lot of the inner workings of weddings. Her work brings her closely in contact with the bride, as described in a recent piece for The Huffington Post. She gets a chance to watch the dress reveal to the bride the woman she once dreamed of becoming, a woman she forgot a long time ago when dreams of Prince Charming faded away to the reality that fuels movies like The Hangover.
Recently, my husband and I watched Horrible Bosses. Like the Hangover movies they belie a deep crisis in masculinity. Forget any idea of Prince Charming or even a somewhat competent man capable of taking care of himself and possibly thinking of someone else’s well being. (Knocked Up was a brilliant exception in this genre of movies.) A charitable take would be to say that these men missed out somewhere. They missed out on knowing how to be men – how to love someone else, how to be strong for someone else, and how to give themselves. They’re so void of any self possession that they will never be able to be very present for anyone else, especially a woman who’s learned how to take care of herself.
Justina writes about a very specific type of woman – the highly successful, competent, driven woman. She shows up to get something done; she’s there to buy a dress and cross it off her list. But the experience of the dress ends up being somewhat transformative. Justina describes a sort of self discovery that takes place:
It is the abandoned dream and vision of herself that was once forgotten somewhere between the divorce of her parents, high school exams, and her first broken heart. It is the internal struggle of regrets versus survival and that suddenly in the mirror a vision of herself looking like she is in love, and looking like she is vulnerable, and even giddy with joy makes her uncomfortable. It is a woman that she does not know. It is the woman she used to be, even as a little girl.
Sure, fairy tales and the Disney princess motif can be taken to excess; but the fact that children, especially girls, are drawn to them seems to suggest that there’s something good and pleasing in them. After all, is it so bad to teach a young girl that she can grow up to love a good man and be loved by him?
I’ll let Justina’s words conclude this post, but do read her entire article for yourself.
They [Women] are taught not to rely on others, especially men. Reality and dashed expectations have given them a somewhat hard edge.
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My work isn’t just about making dresses, it’s about helping women reclaim their identity, and embrace the truth of who they are. It is showing these beautiful, dignified, and intelligent women through the silence of the gowns, that they should expect to be coveted, loved, and admired not just for what they do and whether they’re successful, but for living within the acceptance, truth, and beauty of who they are.
Part of the creative process for me is not just creating the dress, but watching the bride become who she is. There’s a transformation from the woman who entered the salon as a manager of sorts with a massive to-do list that included buying a dress, to the woman who sees herself as a bride, someone to love and be loved.
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Great article. I heard some of your interview this morning on Catholic Connection too (the noise level in my house rarely allows me to hear entire interviews, lol). I am currently reading a book called “Captivating” and it talks about how women need to see themselves as God does and find their identity in HIM and it is only then that they can move forward and have successful relationships. And, yes, they need to allow men to be men and not control everything. This is something I struggle with daily. Thank you for all of your insights. God bless you!
This is a topic of great interest to me as I experienced my own transformation in how I saw myself as a woman. From a strong feminist in my 20′s to now in my mid-30′s and longing to be the woman God designed me to be. All because my husband and I studied JPII’s Theology of the Body (and the grace of the sacrament of marriage!) Thank you for sharing this.
This is absolutely beautiful! I design and create wedding gowns myself and being part of the transformation from ‘hidden girl’ to ‘radiant bride’ is amazing! It is truly awesome to help a bride look and feel more fully herself, in the glory of her femininity for her wedding day (and sometimes, i even get to discuss it out loud with her!)
I follow the dress trends and it appears that a lot of designers are out to transform women into sexy objects of desire on their wedding days — it is wonderful to hear Ms. McCaffrey’s reflections otherwise.
I will be sharing this article with my parish priest who is currently teaching “Theology of the Body for Teens” to our 12-18 year old youth group. I thought it would be a good talking point. I wish I had learned TOB when I was young but now my 6 children will benefit.
This is a wonderful subject and a fascinating analysis… It leads me to ask: If the wedding dress can be this transformative for one day of a woman’s life, just imagine the power of veiling to worship at Mass every day.
After reading this article I took a look at Justina’s website. So where are the wedding gowns she is talking about? Most of what I saw is exactly the same as you see from so many other designers – showing off the bride’s body and not her beauty and dignity. And I don’t think she considered that some brides might still want to have a wedding in a Catholic Church – kneeling and trying to get up in a dignified way is probably not doable in most of these designs……
While I agree there’s nothing wrong with saying nice looking, feminine clothing can make women feel better about themselves, the current “Disney Princess” obsession is usually about little more than buying the fancy clothes and accessories, and very little on being a good person. It also kind of disturbs me that, at least according to Disney, the male counterpart to princesses is no longer princes or knights, but pirates and cars.
Ch.ivalry was poisoned by feminism. But women still want hypergamy – alpha males. But somehow to be sensitive and without the fire – a eunuch.
We’ve lost the distinctoin between civilization and castration. Men should be a bit rough if you expect them to do rough things.
They wish to be coveted, but by something that won’t really want to posess. They want an effeminate man in touch with his anh her emotions – yet something closer to the brute that will take control.
Hypetgamy says go to bed with a nasty alpha, but try to find a gamma male for emotional support. If they are nasty they get the girl, if they are nice they get no respect.
Women want a male that is either not, or is only for an instant, masculine. Then they wonder why they get ‘the hangover’